Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts

Monday, 4 April 2016

My Conversation with Love


 I was extremely shocked and disturbed when all of a sudden my facebook newsfeed was flooded with the news items pertaining to the alleged suicide of Pratyusha Banerjee. Admittedly, I have watched her TV serial Balika Vadhu with my mother and grandmother with fake reverence. Though my interest in her TV soap was obligatory, my admiration for her effortless augmentation to fame and glory at a tender age of 17 was genuine. With all fingers insinuating at her boyfriend's crucial role in her suicide, I was pondering over the things that go wrong with today’s love.
Blame it on media for the inappropriate portrayal of role models or on the unbridgeable gaps between parents and children, the understanding of the profound terms like love and happiness are horribly flawed. The connotation of happiness has been faultily rooted in the relatively fragile minds of the adolescents. If you ask them what it takes to make a happy person? Most of them will recommend only three ingredients: money, fame, and love (Read sex!).
Being a happily married girl with all the reasons to be content with my affectionate husband, I was stealthily expressing my grief over the lost meaning of love in today’s generation. While I was pondering over my thoughts, something strange happened! Love appeared before me. Yes, you read it right. I engaged in a meaningful and enriching dialogue with love. I am presenting a few excerpts from my conversations with Love in the form of an open letter from Love.
Dear Reader,
 I am sure till now you must have experienced me in various shades and hues. I take this as an opportunity to express how I experience myself from your hearts. I am sharing below my feelings regarding how I am being perceived in today’s world. 
 Of course I love you Darling!
 “Hey wait! Love.. umm what?” ……. “Oh! You mean sex”
 Contrary to the earlier notion about me which denoted unflinching commitment and devotion, nowadays you often find me wrapped in a pack of condoms. In the 21st century I am condensed to conditions and convenience. People stick to each other for all reasons other than me! Reasons over! I am over! I am just a mutually agreed upon “Terms & Conditions” which nobody really bothers to read (abide). I am the most accused when it comes to incompatibilities, heartbreaks and choices gone wrong!
Of course I love you till I am successful! 
 In the race between career and I, career wins! Look at all the tragic suicides of the most famous and beautiful women, you will realize that no man ever chose me over his career. When someone decides to end their life, is it logical to curse me? I am not responsible for your “close to perfect, fairy tale-ish” notions of love. Better go and blame the so called popular romantic films for promoting the truncated worth of women in a man’s life. Remember the dialogue from a popular Hindi film 'Life mein teen cheezon ke peeche kabhi mat bhagna.. bus, train aur chokri. Ek jati hai doosri aati hai'?? Don’t grieve that your man treated you like a tissue paper, instead please think that why did you allow him to do so in the name of love?
 Of course I love you till I find someone else
 Your fleeting feelings of lust appear to be pure and pious by bearing my tag. You swear on me to get her body and when your interest in her weakens, you stop treating her with what she deserves. You tell her that my presence is no more there in your relationship! Ask yourself, when was I present in your heart anyway? When your parallel hunt for another body (of course in the guise of my name!) is accomplished, you don’t hesitate to present me as a reason for breaking your girl’s heart. You convince the next girl on my pretext and serves your craving for variety which has sneaked into your bones and blood. For you, I am variety! 
 Of course I am dying, sooner than you think
 Considering the handful of people who still believe in me, I wish I could live longer. All I can see is my impending death by “lovers” who have given various meanings to my existence without realizing what I really am. I don’t signify mindless and misfortunate deaths, I signify living for each other, with each other. I don’t connote a vulgarized culture swearing by me with bottles of alcohol down their throats. I am also not depicted in expensive gifts and luxurious travels and lifestyles, I survive in the heart of that person who has the fervent ability to love the wo/man for a lifetime. I acknowledge that my traditional self is considered to be unreasonable and unfeasible by today’s young lovers. However, I still miss my old self where I existed in the hearts and spirits of the people, where I was regarded genuine and where my existence in someone’s life really meant the world to them! The current trends of my presence only point towards my doomed future where I will be vehemently murdered for allegedly causing “failure in relationships and marriages”.
 Sincerely,
Love

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Love will keep Us Together

Broken and shattered Asmi was somehow striving to lead a happy life when she met the charming and successful guitarist, Aditya. Poles apart yet alike, they shared a chemistry on which historical lovers can swear. Sooner than they realized both of them were incredibly in love. Asmi’s beauty and femininity immensely complemented Aditya’s charismatic and suave personality. It was not only Asmi whose life took a beautiful turn; Aditya, too, was on cloud nine. Asmi’s love for soulful writing soon became the inspiration behind Aditya’s music. Songs composed by him mounted to the top of popular chartbusters.

Asmi’s graceful and poised nature was in perfect match with Aditya's random and crazy lifestyle. Their meeting was like a chemical reaction between their personalities, where both of them were transformed to be better individuals. He was her rising sun and she was her gentle moon. Soon after being in love Aditya decided to get married to her. By now, Asmi had forgotten all the scars she borne from her former love. She had broken all the promises she made to herself of never falling in love again. This was not really the first time when she dared to follow her heart but it was certainly a life changing move for her.

It was Asmi's birthday in a few days and for Aditya it was a very special day. After all it had been quite some years since he celebrated his birthday. The last time he celebrated his birthday was when he was in college. During his college life, he could be easily classified as a Casanova having many flings and casual affairs, out of which he was serious twice but each time he was doubtful about a lifelong commitment. Both his ex-girlfriends were married now, and he somehow mentally accepted a lifetime of loneliness for himself when he met Asmi. So the occasion of Asmi’s birthday was a significant event for him. He chose this day to ask her parents for her hand in marriage.

Jittery and anxious, he knocked at Asmi’s door at 12 am. He thoroughly rehearsed this scene, at least a thousand times, in his mind while preparing answers for all the possible questions her parents might ask him. Asmi’s mother opened the door.

Aditya said in a soft voice, “Aunty! I came to wish Asmi for her birthday. Is she home?”
“Damn what are you saying Aditya. Of course she would be at home at 12 am. Just calm down. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Repeat”, he murmured to himself.

“Yes, I will just call her. Please come inside beta”.

Asmi came out rubbing her eyes. She was not very fond of celebrating birthdays at midnight. It was like an ordinary night for her when she read her favorite book till 11 pm and slept.

“Adi! How come you are here at this time? I told you I will see you tomorrow.”
“Asmi, apart from wishing you birthday I have a surprise for you too.”
“What is that?”

By now her dad and younger sister had also came out in the hall. Aditya nodded to greet everyone and said, “I have a surprise for you all.”
He sat on his knees in front of Asmi and held her hand.

“Asmi, I am madly in love with you. You have lighten up my life with your presence. Life has never been this meaningful for me. I want to marry you but before that (he turned to face her parents), I want to ask your parents whether they will accept me as a part of their family. Uncle and Aunty, I promise to give lots of happiness and love to your daughter. To me, she is more precious than my life. I can’t imagine to live without her. Please let me marry her.”

Seeing Aditya’s love for their daughter, Asmi’s parents had tears in their eyes. Contradictory to what he expected, Asmi’s parents readily accepted their relationship and his proposal. Aditya hugged her parents and expressed his gratitude.

“The surprises are yet not over.”
“Now what, jiju? Don’t spoil Asmi by so many surprises”, said Asmi’s sister teasingly.
“This one is a very special surprise. Asmi close your eyes please.”

Aditya quickly played a video on his phone. It was Aditya’s family wishing her birthday and welcoming her to their family. Asmi was overwhelmed with happiness and tears rolled down her cheek. She hugged Aditya and buried herself in his chest. He gently held her face in his hands and planted a kiss on her forehead.
***
Asmi could not believe her fortune for having Aditya's love in her life. She started believing in destiny more. Every day while thanking her stars for being in love with him, she also feared separation from Aditya. Though there were no signs of threat on their love, she still could never convince herself that everything would go on well. 

Soon they were engaged and their wedding date was fixed. Aditya was not at home when the pundit declared their wedding day. She ran into her room and picked her phone to intimate Aditya but then disconnected the call thinking that she would surprise him. Without wasting a moment, she got ready and rushed to meet Aditya. When she reached his office, she was informed that Aditya was in a meeting and she was asked to wait for a few minutes. She planned to get his favourite cake for him from a nearby bakery.

"Write 'My Adi, with love your would-be wife'", dictated Asmi to the bakery boy.

She picked the cake and ran towards his office. While imagining the look on his face when he will read those words on the cake, she completely forgot to look at the other side of the road. She was engrossed in Aditya’s thoughts when a speeding Scorpio XUV came from the wrong side and rammed her. The cake fell far away towards Aditya's car whereas Asmi was trundled on the other side of the road. Her head banged with the pavement and she immediately lost consciousness. She was bleeding profusely. People swarmed like bees near her, but nobody was willing to take her to the hospital. After all who wants to undergo the trouble of legal and medical formalities? A bunch of old women coming back from their evening walk quickly attended to her bleeding wounds and one of them called the ambulance and informed the police. The driver of the Scorpio XUV who was not more than a 30 year old man was captivated by the crowd and people handed him over to the police.

In the meanwhile Aditya got to know that a young lady has met with an accident right outside his office premises. Being completely unaware of the woman’s identity, he rushed out to offer help but couldn't even see her face due to heavy crowd. Within seconds, the ward boys put Asmi in the ambulance and rushed her to the hospital. 

As Aditya was going inside his office, he somehow felt like calling Asmi. While he was dialing her number, he saw the damaged cake near his car. He went near it and as soon as he read the distorted words, tremors struck his entire body. It didn't take him more than a second to realize that the young lady was none other than Asmi. He ran after the ambulance and after running for 8 kms he reached the hospital where Asmi was admitted. Panting and short of breath, he inquired about the accident victim at the reception. He was shown the way to the ICU. He tried to forcibly trespass the ICU when he was dragged out by the nurses and ward boys. The 'affluent and rich music composer' was now begging on his knees to catch a glimpse of the young lady with a bleak hope that it was not his Asmi. On seeing his plight, the doctors allowed him to peep through a glass hole in the door. With crossed fingers and diminishing courage, he looked through the glass. All he saw was Asmi lying lifeless in a pool of blood and doctors trying to revive her almost ‘dead’ body. He fell numb on ground and started screaming at God (Read ceiling) "Why her? Why not me? You gotta a problem with me, right? Take me with you. Leave her. Please. I beg you." 

After a wait of more than 3 hours, the senior doctor called Aditya in his cabin. He offered him water and said, “We have done our level best. Now rest everything is on God. Still, I suggest that you should call your relatives.”

“Don’t say that. Do anything, just save her. Take as much money as you want but save her. She is my life. We are engaged and would be marrying soon.”

“Money can't make miracles happen, son. She has suffered intense external and internal injuries. Her brain’s CT scan shows injuries to her frontal and temporal lobes. We are yet not sure whether her limbic system is damaged in the accident. Till she gains consciousness; which might be in one day, one month or one year; it is difficult to say whether she will be able to lead a normal life or not. Marriage is not even a consideration right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“In such cases, there is a huge risk of patients losing their abilities to perform day to day functions, think, communicate and move around in the world. She may be completely dependent. Her behavior may get completely bizarre and unpredictable. She may not even recognize you as there could be partial or total amnesia. All we can do is to pray and wait.”

Aditya left his cabin with a heavy heart. His life had come to a still but he had to do a heavier task of informing the families. Asmi’s mother reached the hospital in a state of shock whereas her father almost collapsed on the floor after seeing Asmi in CCU. Aditya’s family could not accept the tragedy that doomed upon their son and his would-be wife. They told him how happy Asmi was when she left from home to meet him. She had specially requested everybody to not disclose their wedding date to Aditya as she wanted to surprise him.

Aditya cried vociferously for a while and then suddenly got up to rush to the police station with blood in his eyes for the man who has led his Asmi in this condition. He got to know that the accused was heavily under the influence of alcohol. Due to Aditya’s popularity, he was allowed to meet the culprit in the company of two policemen.

Another shock awaited him as he entered the dingy and poorly lit cell of the jail. As the accused turned around to see the men who entered his cell, Aditya was taken aback to find his college buddy Vikram Roy. Together, they used to drink and party like animals. There was no bar, no night club, no party adda that was unknown to them. While Aditya matured with age, Vikram was still a party freak and an alcoholic.

Vikram rushed to him and said, “yar Aditya, please bacha le mujhe. Ek ladki pata nahi kahan se meri gadi se takra gayi. Bhai maine pii zaroor rakhi thi par maine break maarne ki koshish kari, par tab tak woh gadi se takra chuki thi.

Aditya stood there like a mannequin looking away. His life seemed to freeze so as his body.

Pata nahi kahan dhyaan tha uska!! Dekhke road cross nahi kar sakti thi. Khud toh hospital pahuchi, mujhe jail pahucha diya……Bhai tu kuch bol kyun nahi raha? Kahiin mar var toh nahi gayi who ladki?”

On hearing these words, Aditya slapped him with tremendous force. Vikram fell on the wooden chair placed in a corner. 

“She is my fiancĂ© and I love her too much. Agar use kuch bhi hua, toh main khud teri jaan le lunga.Aur ek baat…Galti uski nahi, teri thi. Sharaab pii ke galat side se tu aaya tha.”

Vikram managed to get up and aggressively uttered,“Saale dost ko bhool gaya ek ladki ke chakkar mein. Pehli baar thodi pyaar hua hai tujhe! Kitni ladkiyaan aake chali gayi teri zindagi se. Bhool gaya kaise sari raat hum daaru peete the, tab kisiki jaan ki parwah nahi hui tujhe. Aaj is ladki ke liye itna kyun tadap raha hai ki apne jigri dost pe haath utha diya tune, jaan se maarne ki dhamkee bhi di…Jaa nahi chahiye tere jaisa dost.”

By this time Aditya had completely lost his temper and got violent with Vikram again. The policemen had to forcibly bring him out of the cell. Aditya was burning with anger when we paced out of the police station towards his car. It was raining heavily and his hands shivered while touching the steering wheel. Chills ran down his spine as the reality behind Vikram’s words began to strike him. He was haunted by the flashes from the nights when they used to heavily drink and rashly drive to flaunt their manhood to impress girls. He realized how many lives he risked for his trivial pleasures. 

He envisaged himself standing at the edge of a cliff in a completely drunk state while his eyes and mind were slowly rolling into slumber. He visualized the faces of his previous girlfriends who were crying in agony when he left them. On carefully looking into each one’s eyes, Aditya noticed that they were actually laughing at his helplessness. He fell on his knees and dumped his face in his palms. He was about to jump off that cliff when Asmi suddenly appeared from nowhere. She was looking beautiful as ever and her face was radiating a Divine glow.

“Please don’t go Asmi. I will die without you. You know that I am a changed man now! I want to live my life with you.”

“I know my love, but somebody has to bear the consequences of the misdeeds.”

“But why you Asmi? Why not me? After all it was me who has caused so much pain to others.”

“Adi! It’s because I love you very much! You are mine. Your virtues and vices are mine. Your good and bad deeds are mine. And their consequences are mine too. I chose to take away all your sins and I am leaving behind my love and lot of memories. You will live for me Adi. Won’t you?”

“Asmi….Let me not answer this. I…”

His phone rang to wake him from his siesta. His mother was on the other side. 

“Aditya come quickly. Asmi has gained consciousness and she is reiterating your name. That means she has not lost her memory. She remembers you, my son! I told you to have faith in God.” 

At once he rushed to the hospital. He entered the CCU wearing a mask. Her once beautiful body was pierced and confined by the tubes coming out from the ventilator which was her 'apparent' life support system. He sat beside her, and carefully picked her hand so as to not disturb the tubes inserted in her body. She looked at him and tried to give him a comforting smile.

Aditya wiped his tears and spoke in a cracked voice, “I knew you will be alright Asmi. I knew that you will remember everything about our love. My Asmi can never leave her Adi alone! You remember every moment spent with me, every time I made you laugh, I teased you, I made you eat with my hands, I made you sleep in my arms. Don’t you?”

Asmi nodded with her eyes.

“Our love is embedded too deep in our minds and souls, for accidents to erase it from our memories.” 

She looked straight into his eyes for a long while without blinking. Though her entire body was giving up on her but he could see the same spark in her eyes which he saw the first time he met her. Looking into her eyes, he immediately understood that Asmi was slipping away from the hands of life. He made no conscious effort to either call the doctors or say her things. He knew that the futile medical efforts would pain her more and interrupt with her peaceful journey from this life to the next. He also knew that his presence with her is worth his thousand words. He wanted to maintain the serenity of her last moments. That was his last gift to her, to let her pass away in peace. 

Aditya gently stroked the skin of her cheek which was visible through bandages covering her distorted face. He touched the marks on her cheeks and at once felt huge pain in his heart.

"I love you, times infinity". 

"How long is times infinity?" she managed to ask.

He said, "Sometimes it’s just a second."

After a few minutes, when the nurse came to bring Aditya outside the ICU, she saw Aditya lying next to Asmi. Asmi's arms were wrapped tightly around Aditya, inhibiting his movement. The nurse was just about to consider this pleasant sight as a positive sign when she happened to see Asmi's ECG monitor. It displayed a straight line!

On seeing Aditya hugging Asmi, she had tears in her eyes. She comprehended that Aditya had not even realized that Asmi is dead. She went closer to Aditya and patted on his shoulder. Aditya did not respond. When she tried to separate Aditya from Asmi’s body, she screamed in horror as he fell lifeless on the floor. While Asmi succumbed to her injuries, Aditya’s autopsy suggested a cardiac arrest.  


That night Aditya chose to die with his love. Surviving without her would have meant dying without her every day. Dying with her meant eternalizing their love! 
 

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Never Let You Go, Not even after Death

Losing someone dear is an extremely painful journey. Soon after the loss, the realization starts setting in that you will no longer be the same person that you were with her/him; that a void is created in your soul which can never be occupied again; that a large part of you is gone along with the person. It is quite a gut wrenching pain!

As time rolls by, you stop sharing your grief and pain with others. People around you start expecting you to behave in the same way as you used to before. The condolences and sympathies start subsiding and people begin to look for the old ‘you’. You may feel a need to be around people once again, as you start appreciating the human connections even more now. You decide to step out of your grievance zone. That's the first resilient step towards healing.

You feel everything a little strange and different. You observe and gaze around things with a different perspective. You wear a smile on the outside to mask away your silent sobs. You pretend to be there with others in the social gatherings whereas your mind is completely indulged with the fond memories of the person. A song, a face, a fragrance, a place, an event - almost anything and may be everything reminds you of your loss. You may feel that you need more time and so you hibernate again. You weep, you shout, you fall weak, you give up, but then eventually you gather courage once again to pull yourself out of it. That's your next big step towards healing as you have shown it to yourself that you are still strong enough to make another attempt to overcome your grief.

You meet all sorts of people during this journey. You know them already but the way they treat you during your journey makes them appear as completely different people to you. There will be people who would avoid you or avoid talking about your loss as they don’t know how to deal with you in a grief stricken state. You tend to shape a negative image about them in your mind but know it that they are the ones who are emotionally weak to handle the pain and perhaps still need to learn some major lessons of life. They fear dealing with loss and grief as they might have never fully acknowledged their own unpleasant emotions. You also meet people who ease your pain, who comfort you, who provide support, who say all the soft words you ever wanted to hear, who encourage you to talk about your loved one while they listen to you patiently. Those are the people who have been through this journey already and they facilitate you as guides in your healing process. They make you realize that even if we all are alone in this journey, then we are together in that too.


Slowly and steadily after going through each step, there might come a time wherein you realize that the person you lost never really goes as you have already internalized her/him in your thoughts, words, and actions. S/he is in your blood and bones. The person has survived in your soul and hence will always be alive within you. Your love for the person is eternal and in a way, you have not let the person die. And that's how you truly mean when you say.. "Never let you go". 

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Nirbhaya: India's Daughter

Since morning, an intensely fiery debate is going around on the social media over the much anticipated ban on the BBC documentary on Jyoti Singh a.k.a. Nirbhaya. After watching the documentary, I felt how most of us have trivialized the issue by focusing on the ban rather than contemplating the deeper concerns which the documentary entails. As women we all have gone through some or the other kind of molestation, be it physical, emotional or psychological. Every time we hear about a rape or an assault on a woman it stirs gut wrenching pain within us as it somehow evokes our own experience of pain, guilt, shame etc. There is a vicious cycle which induces emotions like guilt and shame, in order to pin us down to our own fears, so that we don’t pose as a threat to the convenient ways of living of the patriarchs.

For me, Nirbhaya represents the battle of courage v/s fear. Over centuries patriarchy has become so deeply enrooted within our psyches that it gets exceedingly inconvenient for most of the men and even, women to move towards the stance of equality. Women have to face tremendous resistance and pressure of various kinds in order to step out from their domestic inner space into the male dominant outer space. When women like Nirbhaya dare to overcome such fears to stand independent in society and express their freedom, men like these culprits feel extremely threatened. Their entire patriarchally driven cognitive schema of subjugating women and having a hold on them is challenged. Little do they realize that patriarchy suppresses not only women but men as well!

The shackles of patriarchy affect men in such unconscious and emotionally stirring ways that their immediate defense reaction is to curtail the freedom of women and ‘teach them a lesson’ as even mentioned by one of the rapists. Since childhood men are conditioned to avoid exercising their basic right to express, especially their emotions, in the name of being stronger and tougher than women. They have been taught that their sisters and mothers are weak and hence need their ‘protection’, so much so, that when grown up they end up assuming the role of ‘superiors’ or ‘moral police’ for women in their families as well as other women in the name of family/society/cultural honor. The emotions that were once suppressed as a great symbol of patriarchy, now turn into underlying fears, anxieties, rage etc. which when triggered along with other environmental and social circumstances manifest into extreme violence on others, mainly women.  

The situation has become so disastrous that our so called ‘Great Indian Society’ conveys this message loud and clear that, under certain influences, men in our culture have the potential as well as 'approval' to be brutally worse than monsters. They can behave heinously under the influences of alcohol, any substance use or provocation by women through her 'perceived' overt or covert behavior. As a logical human (and not a woman!) it seems totally irrational to buy the point that men rape because they are provoked by what clothes women wear, what time women are out, with whom they are out, where do they work etc.

This is to all men who are so blinded by their false sense of pride and ego of being a male, that they have lost all senses to reason: “Are you men so primitive that you have no control over your urges and drives? Are the so called patriarchs so gullible that they can’t take responsibility of their own actions? Do you need women to save you from committing crimes on them by staying at homes and wearing what you think will be non- provocative for you? Do you even realize how dumb that sounds? Let us say, we provoke you to rape us. What sort of provocation do infants, girl children, women with mental disorders and old women instigate? You still rape them! You know why? Because it has trickled down deep in your mentality to rape. It doesn’t matter to you what age we are, what clothes we wear, what time we are out, with whom we are out. The only thing that matters is that we are women with no rights over our bodies, actions, and ourselves and the only one having right over us is YOU! In your delusion of superiority, you have become inferior to animals because even animals don’t simply exist on pleasure principle, they dutifully adhere to the social norms of their kinfolks in a better way than you!

Acknowledging all the efforts that have been done for protecting women and their rights, it is unfortunate that the collective mindset remains unchanged. As an educator, I feel extremely despondent to say that probably even education is not a solution to the stale mentality that the men of our society proudly herald. The so called ‘Educated’ lawyers of our country have shamelessly objectified women in their press statements by using metaphors like flowers, diamonds and gems for women that need to be kept in ‘proper’ place or else they will be taken away/spoilt/damaged. Another defense lawyer proclaimed that he will set alight his own sister/daughter in case she brings ‘disgrace’ to the family’s honor. Apart from that, I came across many educated men (and, even women) who still advocated that the consequences Nirbhaya faced were due to her ‘adventurous’ behavior of being out at 8 p.m. with her male friend. This makes me really cynical about how well education will/can bring a change in thinking at mass level.

The poignant question still remains: Is there any hope for rationality and sensitivity to prevail? Here, the indispensable understanding should be that this decayed mentality did not nurture in isolation, it is a by-product of our own shared mindsets that have been garnered within our homes and society at large. Hence, we need to acknowledge that the perpetrators of not only Nirbhaya, but each and every rape survivor, are one of us. 

As a psychologist, I strongly believe that apart from education, informed socialization of children, especially boys, is a pivotal aspect to create sensitivity towards other gender. Letting them acknowledge and express their own pain and emotions will shape them into sensitive and sensible men who are not controlled by outdated patriarchal mindsets but are positively driven by thoughtfulness and compassion.

Be a human, before being a man or a woman!